Thursday, May 14, 2009

Hilarious Spam I Have Known

In my capacity as webmaster I get all too much spam. But I've actually learned to enjoy the stuff, at least for the several milliseconds it takes before it hits the bit bucket. In fact, I've even begun collecting spam messages, as part of an as-yet unrevealed devious plot. Who knows, it may even be valuable to future cultural researchers as an indicator of this society's hangups and obsessions. Though probably not.

Here, for your perusal, is a small cross-section, annotated for whatever small amusement it may provide. This is from some time ago, in fact. So please enjoy the antique spam.

> 142 MILLION EMAIL ADDRESSES FOR ONLY $149
> You want to make some money?
> I can put you in touch with over 140 million people
> at virtually no cost.
> Can you make one cent from each of theses names?
> If you can you have a profit of over $1,400,000.00

Hmmm, let me guess, you'll sell me a mailing list, right? The same one that you are using, right? Which obviously has not yet made you $1.4 megabucks, right? So your claim is false, right? So maybe you should follow your own advice and try to make a mere penny off each name, rather than $149, you stupid greedy bastard.

> WOULD YOU LIKE TO MAKE $4380.00 OVER AND OVER AGAIN?
> WITHOUT RECRUITING OR SPONSORING ANYONE!
>
> This is not MLM. I will Completely Manage Your Account
> Provide Your Lead List, Do Your Telemarketing
> Place People For You ALL YOU DO IS GO TO THE MAIL BOX
> AND COLLECT YOUR CHECK.

This scheme does not perchance involve little bags of white powder?

> Guys, Add 4 Inches To Your Penis!!!
> Our Program Works Guaranteed!!!
> CLICK HERE TO SEE!!!

I'm not sure about you, but I prefer an HTML specification which does not permit such actions as a result of clicking a link tag.

> How would you like to quit your job, become your own boss,
> and build up enough residual income to support yourself for
> the rest of your life?

How would I like to quit my job; instantly add my boss' work load to my own; spend all my time hunting for clients; constantly have to convince people I'm to be taken seriously; spend money on advertising, marketing, office functions, and all the other overhead of a real business; forgoe a fixed pay cheque; never know where the next dollar is coming from; give up all health benefits; double my work hours; and erode any savings I may have had -- all in order to please you, you annoying spambot? Let me think...

> If you are experiencing IRS challenges we likely have
> the solutions you've been searching for.
> How would you like to get out of the
> income tax system legally, lawfully and ethically?

Let me guess. Emigration? Suicide? Mental breakdown? Give me a few minutes and I'll get back to you on that.

> THIS IS ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBLE!!!
> PIANO OWNERS- we offer a patented device that sits on your
> piano keyboard and allows you to play the piano immediately!!

Got one. It's called a cat.

> Do you have all the sales you can handle? If you have
> answered NO to that Question, then...
> ACCEPT CREDIT CARDS AND EXPLODE YOUR SALES.

Unless I'm a vendor of firecrackers or ammunition I doubt I want my sales "exploded". Where do spammers come up with this lingo?

> THIS PRODUCT WILL CREATE MILLIONAIRES
>
> This phenomenal product would best be described
> As a "viagra for women"
>
> It’s a new topical product made for women that WORKS
> Instantly, and it’s about to Sweep the nation.

I'm not sure I'm ready for this, but at least you've piqued my interest.

> We have good news for snorers and people who have to listen
> to them. SNORENZ helps reduce snoring noise - simply,
> naturally and effectively.

A feather pillow?

> NOTE: THIS IS AN ADVERTISEMENT FOR LEGAL TV
> DE-SCRAMBLER. IF YOU HAVE NO INTEREST IN THIS
> INFORMATION PLEASE CLICK DELETE NOW. THANK YOU--

Spammers even tell us to delete their messages -- how helpful. As if I wouldn't have thought of that on my own.

> Are you trying to sell ice to Eskimos? NO? Are you sure?

Let me check. Let's see -- no inventory of ice. No client list among native folk of the north. No refrigeration devices. Yup, I'm definitely *not* trying to sell ice to eskimos.

> Forget everything you ever heard or seen before about
> making money on the Net!
>
> A newly developed cash generating system can pay you
> $338,628.00 a year, and you don't have to do ANY
> work whatsoever!

Oh yeah! Well, this *other* guy says I can have a profit of over $1,400,000. So why should I spend time on your penny ante scheme? Huh?

> FREE Satellite T.V. System and FREE Installation
>
> Enjoy over 500 Channels of crystal clear digital picture and
> cd stereo sound on your FREE Satellite TV System. Why pay
> for these items in a retail store, when we're giving you the
> same satellite package for free.

When am I supposed to watch 500 channels when I spend all my time deleting spam?

> This letter is about an opportunity to make an incredible
> amount of Money (CASH!!!) in a very short time.

Money. Cash. It's all clear to me now.

> CASH in on the most
> LUCRATIVE HOMEBASED OPPORTUNITY of the Millennium
> with an INTERNET company already #1 in the WORLD.
>
> No Meetings
> No Inventory
> No Paperwork
> No Stagnant Downlines
> No Flushing of ANY Volume
> No Monthly Qualifying
> Forced Spillover
> Pays to Infinity

Stagnant Downlines? Flushing of Volumes? Forced Spillover? Some sort of waste disposal opportunity, then?

> Do you accept suitcases full of cash?

No. Please send all cash in garbage bags.

> I have just come across an opportunity that is like finding
> a Huge Pot of Gold at the end of a Rainbow and quite
> frankly.....I wanted to share this with as many people as I can.

This opportunity is no doubt also like leprechauns laughing under trees, talking rabbits wearing waistcoats and flying pigs.

> Start a proven home business within 72 hours using Microsoft's
> foolproof sales recipe for Internet success.

Develop an inferior copy of an existing operating system. Get in bed with hardware manufacturers to lock out competition. Devise an ever-expanding array of "standards" that you force developers to adopt. Release bug-ridden products in order to beat others to market. Lock-in clients through forced upgrades. You mean *that* recipe for success?

> Obtain a prosperous future, money earning power,
> and the admiration of all.
>
> Diplomas from prestigious non-accredited
> universities based on your present knowledge
> and life experience.
>
> Bachelors, masters, MBA, and doctorate (PhD)
> diplomas available in the field of your choice.

Funny, a diploma never got me "the admiration of all". It is a great way to break into retail, though. Oh, and thanks for being honest, but exactly what is a "non-accredited university"? (And I wonder: who buys a bachelor when they can have a doctorate?)

> With Fat Absorb you are on your way to losing those unwanted,
> unhealthy pounds, naturally, safely, and fast. Each capsule
> can stop 3 full grams of fat from entering your blood stream.
> Excess fat is naturally eliminated undigested. Fat Absorb
> is a natural fiber, chitin, from the sea that is attracted to
> fat...just like a magnet, especially saturated fat.

Chitin, from the sea. That would be crab shells maybe. Yummy.

> FED UP WITH:
> Being shut down by your ISP's
> People screaming,
> People sending you FLAMES
> Being bombarded with COUNTER OFFERS

Um, no. But I can certainly see how *you* would be!

P.S. Your use of apostrophes is terrible!

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